DEATH SCARES ME
WORD OF THE DAY
euphony: (noun) pleasing or sweet sound, a harmonious succession of words having a pleasing sound
I like today's word of the day; it's fitting for tonight as I listen to a woman with a soft-spoken voice describe crystals in the background - something I've found myself doing before heading to bed.
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I'm going to start putting my thoughts, feelings, the truth in my heart into words more. I stumbled upon the post below that I wrote nearly two years ago. I didn't remember writing it. The girl writing that post is a ghost to me now; she haunts my body with her existential dread. I guess I've always been an emo kid at heart.
I've been feeling a lot of negative feelings/energy lately. It falls on me at work, I carry it home, I don't take it off - instead wear it draped around my shoulders all night. I need to shed these layers.
I had someone read my cards tonight. They told me I have a lot in store ahead if I stay on track. I can't believe I paid someone to tell me what my mother beat into my head since I stared toddling around on chubby legs.
Today: John Dunsworth, the actor who plays Jim Lahey in a cult-classic TV show Trailer Park Boys died. He was alive this morning, mere hours ago. Tonight, his body is lying in a cold metallic box somewhere. The real man, well, I don't know where he is. I'd like to know one day but, that's awfully arrogant of me. All I know is that he was a good person - and that good person, that person who is loved fiercely by family, adored by people, is lying alone tonight.
Today was also a hard day at work. I was cranky. I was irritable. My throat hurts. But here I am typing this - getting another chance to see the sunset. John Dunsworth seemed like a happy man, at least you'd get that impression if you watched the YouTube channels on his personal page. I hope I reach that happiness before calling it quits on this planet.
When I fall in love, if I fall in love - although my young foolishness is grasping onto a few shreds of hope that burn like light beams inside my gut - I hope it's with a man that's not afraid to talk about death. I hope he holds my head between his palms when I talk about my last breath, or when I mention how I hope to be wearing no makeup when I die on a Tuesday afternoon in autumn. I hope he tells me that he'll weep for me when I slip away into - whatever it is. I hope that when we are together, it's the most alive I feel in my life.
------------
Music I listened to today:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wPvE-vM0Js
Lyrics that haunted me:
Still I’m closer to this past than I am the future
Feeling more an adult who’s still on the bleachersSee I’m closer to this past than I am the future
Feeling less like an adult and more like a creature
------------
Old post I found: from January 2016 (I was 22 when I wrote this)
Stumbling upon that post was like ripping off the rose-tinted glasses. I find myself lately pulling them out of my pocket, huffing warm breath onto the shades, and wiping each lens off with the tail of my shirt - treating them with this reverence
I want to travel the world for a year with my SO. On these travels, I would like to:
-skydive in Dubai
-see the Himalayas
-see the northern lights
-go on a real safari in Africa
-white river raft in the Rockies
-drink a beer at a pub in Scotland
-camp in the Grand Canyon
-watch any sort of space craft take off at Cape Canaveral
life is so very very short, you must live in the now in order to feel any sense of control
but yet, accepting the chaos is part of true peace. happiness and peace are not a package deal, nor are they exclusive. learn how to accept the vastness of life, how short it all is, how little each problem mastters, how in order to experience life...we have to push ourselves...our own emotions...our own chemical reactions...otherwise we are just procreating and dying....
but in between....
for a short, short time...
you can open your eyes and turn around....
you can take a deep breath and feel the air fill your lungs...
and you understand that this body is yours....
so push it. push it to its best, out of the comfort zone.
and be thankful to the eaarth, that helped mold where i live,
and thankful to the creator, who gave me a soul,
and express gratitude by being the best i can be .
things I also want to do:
-write a book
-host a podcast
-teach...eventually
minor, other, weird thoughts that most likely will not flesh out yet here i am writing:
-reciting live poetry
-learning rock climbing
-go skydiving again
alright, i admit, i most likely will go sky diving again.
okay, now i am brain storming for a podcast I wanna start with my friends
euphony: (noun) pleasing or sweet sound, a harmonious succession of words having a pleasing sound
I like today's word of the day; it's fitting for tonight as I listen to a woman with a soft-spoken voice describe crystals in the background - something I've found myself doing before heading to bed.
-----------
I'm going to start putting my thoughts, feelings, the truth in my heart into words more. I stumbled upon the post below that I wrote nearly two years ago. I didn't remember writing it. The girl writing that post is a ghost to me now; she haunts my body with her existential dread. I guess I've always been an emo kid at heart.
I've been feeling a lot of negative feelings/energy lately. It falls on me at work, I carry it home, I don't take it off - instead wear it draped around my shoulders all night. I need to shed these layers.
I had someone read my cards tonight. They told me I have a lot in store ahead if I stay on track. I can't believe I paid someone to tell me what my mother beat into my head since I stared toddling around on chubby legs.
Today: John Dunsworth, the actor who plays Jim Lahey in a cult-classic TV show Trailer Park Boys died. He was alive this morning, mere hours ago. Tonight, his body is lying in a cold metallic box somewhere. The real man, well, I don't know where he is. I'd like to know one day but, that's awfully arrogant of me. All I know is that he was a good person - and that good person, that person who is loved fiercely by family, adored by people, is lying alone tonight.
Today was also a hard day at work. I was cranky. I was irritable. My throat hurts. But here I am typing this - getting another chance to see the sunset. John Dunsworth seemed like a happy man, at least you'd get that impression if you watched the YouTube channels on his personal page. I hope I reach that happiness before calling it quits on this planet.
When I fall in love, if I fall in love - although my young foolishness is grasping onto a few shreds of hope that burn like light beams inside my gut - I hope it's with a man that's not afraid to talk about death. I hope he holds my head between his palms when I talk about my last breath, or when I mention how I hope to be wearing no makeup when I die on a Tuesday afternoon in autumn. I hope he tells me that he'll weep for me when I slip away into - whatever it is. I hope that when we are together, it's the most alive I feel in my life.
------------
Music I listened to today:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wPvE-vM0Js
Lyrics that haunted me:
Still I’m closer to this past than I am the future
Feeling more an adult who’s still on the bleachersSee I’m closer to this past than I am the future
Feeling less like an adult and more like a creature
------------
Old post I found: from January 2016 (I was 22 when I wrote this)
Stumbling upon that post was like ripping off the rose-tinted glasses. I find myself lately pulling them out of my pocket, huffing warm breath onto the shades, and wiping each lens off with the tail of my shirt - treating them with this reverence
I want to travel the world for a year with my SO. On these travels, I would like to:
-skydive in Dubai
-see the Himalayas
-see the northern lights
-go on a real safari in Africa
-white river raft in the Rockies
-drink a beer at a pub in Scotland
-camp in the Grand Canyon
-watch any sort of space craft take off at Cape Canaveral
life is so very very short, you must live in the now in order to feel any sense of control
but yet, accepting the chaos is part of true peace. happiness and peace are not a package deal, nor are they exclusive. learn how to accept the vastness of life, how short it all is, how little each problem mastters, how in order to experience life...we have to push ourselves...our own emotions...our own chemical reactions...otherwise we are just procreating and dying....
but in between....
for a short, short time...
you can open your eyes and turn around....
you can take a deep breath and feel the air fill your lungs...
and you understand that this body is yours....
so push it. push it to its best, out of the comfort zone.
and be thankful to the eaarth, that helped mold where i live,
and thankful to the creator, who gave me a soul,
and express gratitude by being the best i can be .
things I also want to do:
-write a book
-host a podcast
-teach...eventually
minor, other, weird thoughts that most likely will not flesh out yet here i am writing:
-reciting live poetry
-learning rock climbing
-go skydiving again
alright, i admit, i most likely will go sky diving again.
okay, now i am brain storming for a podcast I wanna start with my friends
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